To fast or not to fast: making peace with Yom Kippur as a new mom

My first Yom Kippur (the biggest Jewish fast day of the year) as a mother, I woke up at three in the morning, went to the kitchen for a snack and went back to sleep. I was 41 weeks pregnant and this was the first (and the last!) time I have ever woken up in the middle of the night to eat. Go figure. 

Five years and another baby later, I still haven’t fasted a full Yom Kippur and I probably won’t this year either. 

It is technically safe for most pregnant and nursing mothers to fast on Yom Kippur and many choose to. Still, it can be a lot more difficult and it’s unsafe for some, so many don’t. 

I’ve always consulted with my rabbi about not fasting and he’s always recommended that I should try to fast and if I feel unwell I can do shiurim (eat an ounce of food and an ounce of liquid every nine minutes) and if I still feel unwell I can eat regularly for the rest of the day. 

Leading up to the holiday, there’s always a lot of discussion in the Jewish mom groups I’m a part of online. We compare notes on how to best prepare (chug coconut water or gatorade in the days before), the best foods for shiurim (cut up calorie-dense granola bars or water-dense fruit like grapes or watermelon), whether we plan on fasting or not and how we feel about all this. 

There’s a lot of anxiety and a lot of guilt about the prospect of not fasting or breaking the fast before it’s over and difficulty deciding at what point we feel “unwell” enough to eat. 

Personally, I try not to feel guilty about eating on Yom Kippur due to pregnancy or nursing. Being hungry really triggers my anxiety, so I’ve mostly just felt relieved about not having to fast the whole day. Besides, growing babies and feeding them with my body is holy, Godly work and I refuse to feel guilty about doing what I need to do those things. 

Still… I feel weird about not feeling guilty and anxious about calling the rabbi, even though he’s always been compassionate and helpful. And, eating or not, spending Yom Kippur caring for young children instead of spending the day praying and reading in bed to get through the fast feels strange. I usually hire a babysitter for the day, but then I feel guilty about it when I break my fast — I tell myself that if I’m not fasting, I should be able to just take care of my kids by myself.

I thought I’d finally try to fast the whole day this year, but now I’m not sure. I’m still nursing my 3 and 5 year old daughters, but only a couple times at night, so I feel like my time with that excuse is running out. But I’m still really anxious about fasting.

In all the conversations in Whatsapp groups and on social media, the emphasis is on the all-importance of fasting and guilt over not fasting or an attitude that pregnant and nursing mothers just shouldn’t fast and it isn’t a big deal at all. I’ve never gotten a sense of more nuanced feelings, of something in-between. 

Then I spoke about it with a good friend a few weeks ago. I shared my feelings of anxiety about fasting, pregnant or nursing or not, and my feelings that there doesn’t seem to be room to be a religious woman and not feel guilty about not fasting. 

Guilt-tripping Jewish mother stereotypes not-withstanding, Judaism isn’t supposed to be a guilt-driven religion. Shame has been shown to be an unhealthy means of motivation, and the permutation of Orthodox Judaism that I prescribe to understands that. It’s about a lifetime of personal growth through love and acceptance, not guilt or shame. I don’t want to fast just because everyone else is, because I feel like I’m not enough if I don’t. 

Refreshingly, this friend (who has four children around my daughters’ ages) agreed completely. 

“I think I had to be okay with not fasting before I could get to a place where I could fast again,” she said. 

And then she sent me this:

She explained that making this lighthearted meme two years was incredibly cathartic for her and helped her get back into a place where fasting felt (and was) possible again. Talking to her, another observant Jewish mom who appreciates the importance of fasting on Yom Kippur but also feels anxious and ambivalent about it, had a similar effect on me. 

There is such power in being allowed to feel how you feel, in allowing yourself to quiet the voice in your head that says, “but it’s Yom Kippur” and means “only a lazy lowlife like you would try to shirk off this important Torah obligation and still call herself a religious Jew.”

I’m not advocating for not fasting on Yom Kippur. I believe in God and the Torah and in the importance of following all its laws. But I also want to be real: while being an Orthodox Jew means I strive to follow all 613 Torah commandments all the time, I definitely don’t. 

Sure, Yom Kippur is super important, but is it truly more important than any other mitzvah? I keep strictly kosher, but gossip is my love language -- what does that say about me? Is one more important than the other? The truth is, we can’t really say which commandments are more or less important. The Torah itself implores us not to rank them -- or ourselves.

And that’s kind of the whole point of Yom Kippur in the first place.

Every single one of us, from the completely secular Jew to the most respected rabbi in the community is obligated to read the exact same prayers on Yom Kippur. We all atone for the same things. We all mess up, we can all do better, we are all constantly evolving. How it is right now is not how it will always be and it is okay to be exactly where you are. 

Whether you’re fasting or not this year, whether you’ll have time and energy to pray or just do what you can to get through the day, may you have a happy, sweet new year, filled with both growth and acceptance.